I dont want to state the obvious but my blog has been idle for a while now..this was not what i originally intended, but on a 2nd thought im not sure what my intentions were anymore for this blog..perhaps it was to make myself feel good about doing something new? to try and impress someone? or to really just write my thoughts and nurture my writing skills as a person that likes to keep journals? with that last statement, i realised half way through that i was not really able to express myself truly and honestly online. Im afraid of what people might think...

I recently lost someone that was very dear to me. from the start i thought that it would be fixed and i tried to convince myself things would be fine..they never got better, things just spiraled and i lost myself. ive never felt clueless my life. i always knew what i would be doing in advance and now im not sure what i want anymore. there is no motivation whatsoever, i have no push, im probably at my lowest right now. Ive never been like this before. Im just tired. I think i deserve some good times to come my way. genuine good times.

I need to let go of all negativities and all negative emotions, Just let go and live. Move on. Its painful, sometimes i feel like i cant get out of bed.. If past lives truly existed, I must have done something really bad because this feels like the wrath of god is upon me. But ill stand here. Ill try to stand.

Pain demands to be felt and may the lord have mercy on me and my soul