Ethereal

Ive been staring at the screen for a while now. Haha where do I start from? Its been a month, since I last blogged. Ive been super busy, and stressed out, and busy, and overwhelmed, and busy etc.

I wont add quotes to you...Because its been a while, or maybe ill throw a few that were in my mind for sometime now, or that ive been keeping an eye on for some weird reason that must have meant something to me but not really bothered to go into the topic in details perhaps, right now. so anyway, moving on, My visa process has finally commenced im happy-ier. Im getting there :). Anyway, I have already told myself that whatever comes my way, not to say id give up on what i want or anything, but ill appreciate myself regardless of how i feel and however things go and ill always be grateful. not too sure this is making sense, but it makes sense to me.


"Expectations often lead to disappointment. Just let life flow." - Unknown


When I started this draft, last saturday, I havent slept for almost 24hrs. Was feeling..Okay I guess, just had a wicked headache. My friends were blacked out everywhere, On my couch, in my room, just everywhere. It was fun Friday night/Saturday morning.

looking forward to December, and i keep on saying this a lot nowadays.

"The world changes in direct proportion to the number of people willing to be honest about their lives." - Armistead Maupin

What happened was that it was friday and im at work, around afternoon, and a friend of mine texts saying shes back from her hometown and we should go out. Was a bit reluctant at first but then said ok. So she came to pick me up, we go to Play and i try mdma for the first time. I thought id be out of my mind or something but my friends assured me that id be fully aware of my surroundings and that it doesnt even show really that id be on something. So, i was like ok cool! lets see what this is all about and i try it. I was just chilling..kind of waiting for something to happen, and nothing happens, i feel normal, so i decide to go to the toilet and the moment i started walking i was like oooh shit! something is happening. first, i was just feeling a bit unstable, so i walk slowly, then i reach the toilet and im noticing peoples conversations and they sound so silly, like, you know those girls that are...just too girly? convo's were something along those lines of "did you see him? he came and talked to me and i was like oh my god! bla bla bla no you didnt!"...1) They were loud and drunk. 2) i was staring at myself in the mirror while they were talking so i was busy, not that i was eavesdropping or anything! And then please, eavesdrop on what anyway? I noticed that i couldn't really concentrate on images or people. Like i cant see properly! I mean i could see just not stably? haha

Anyway, almost like being tipsy in a good way. I could hold a conversation and everything, so it was quite fine. Just laaater on you feel like you don't want to be bothered by people asking too many  questions. I had a 15 min conversation with my best friend after i got home on whether its fine f she could crash at my place or not. and i kept on telling her its fine i don't mind but for some reason the conversation went on and on. Same topic :I. That was annoying.


"Perhaps we should ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done." - Rudy Francisco

At Play it was me and nadnad then i asked Roman if he wanted to come by since i kept on ditching him for months. It was awkward. I really honestly dont know what this person thinks of me. Ive ditched him for forever and then tell him well im out with a friend that i havent seen for a while, come hang out with us, at Play!. Jesus, Sumaya. Oh well. Lets see.

Anyway, I had a good time. Last weekend was just, different. Not in a bad way of course. It was interesting. Good :)

Ill blog more frequently. This is not cool of me.


"...this is me. When all the others have left, I will not go, I will hold on, I will fight... And ill be the one who stays, until the very end..." - Mathew Spencer

Xx

The Journey (Sweet Disposition) (Old Draft)

Still after my visa. I will try to be positive - try to put my current situation in words, and say, "Im not even close to getting settled bu we're getting there". I have a lot of work, but at the same time my personal life is scattered all around me and i am slowly trying to put the pieces. Arrange the together. I am grateful for all the help im getting from my parents, siblings, friends and work. Thats all, If i say more id probably just sound totally ungrateful. Lets leave that aside for now. Im optimistic about September. It can get exhausting. Sometimes, one just needs a little bit of alone time, or days...

I dont want to sound like a bad person by saying what im about to say, but sometimes im around people, that are super nice and everything but we can never be friends because of alot of things that i wont start listing now, we can hang out and everything briefly but never really friends you know? but anyway, sometimes im around such people and i literally feel my vibe being killed. Like how i picture myself (and not that theres anygthing wrong with their image and id be ashamed to move around them or such. no im not that kind of person, i infact dont mind how people choose o express themselves its totally upto them and i just dont care) and how i think of myself as an individual, my outlook into the world and how i see my self in years time - all these thoughts and energies suddenly begin to go down. I literally feel it. from the things they talk about to what they want to do in the short term and long term if theres any real long term plans at all.


"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." - Alice Walker


I dont know how to explain its just that my soul is telling me to go away, from them! usually its temporarily that im around such people so its fine, kind of educational haha and not in the best way perhaps but i guess what im saying is with such people, our energies on important stuff, like shit that really matters dont click! they cant add to my personal development in any way. most of the time and theres nothing there.. but theyre good people, just not my people. So im sort of experiencing this right now and its a forced kind of temporary situation, so as i mentioned, thats fine. but hey! moving on.

I miss mama and sara and azza and mohamed and ahmed and baba and yousif and sanaa and nafisa :") I do I do!!! AAHH

Maybe im a complicated person. Im very easy to deal with, but my mind is very complex. I tend to overthink things. I care about what people think of me as an individual but I also dont care, I am afraid people would judge me, but I dont have anything for anyone and believe that a grown person should be able to make wise and sound decisions for themselves and just do whatever they feel right. I could go on and on and the irony is ridiculous. It is like a paradox. So basically im an inbetween person. It seems. But I live my life however i want to, so on the other hand, Im also taking a stand on what i want, and not really an inbetween sort of person. Actually inbetweeners would be people that are easily influenced. Apparently ive been convinced that im easily influenced, perhps when i was younger and naive. I might be a bit easy to convince.

 I feel like i need to travel, Like a short trip. Something like my Cambodia or Lao trip.

I need to slow down, mentally. Its like im rushing. What am i rushing for? I need to focus on whats important right now - get things done. This a talk to YOU BRAIN :'). how about we chill and focus. Seriously -_-.


"You will die a thousand times before you wake up feeling alive in your own skin. You will love all of the wrong hearts before you realize the strength in your own." - Unknown


I might have a clash with some people. I dont want to make it sound like its a big deal because whatever I am about to clash on, with said people, shouldnt be a major issue to start with, But since it seems like it has to or im being pushed to make it happen, unconsciously by them, then i shall not fail to make it happen. If i need to make a stand and let people that I respect know that i dont accept what they are telling me, then i need to do it. Especially after repeatedly telling said people that this is what i want and this is what id like to do and i get no respect reciprocated or understanding then it might be an issue. I also repeatedly mentioned that i should not be forced to do anything unwillingly, that i want to make my own choices and I have been, ever since ive been in college then i dont know what to say anymore.

I need this. I need to be left alone to do what i want to do. How come that isnt enough? All I need is support. All kind of support i can get and let me see me. If youd like, see me through. Tell me ull always be there, but dont push me because ill hate you. Most probably


"I am too full of life to be half loved." - Unknown


I know this sounds very serious. Perhaps the word hate is a bit too strong, but let me say ill just dislike said people alot. Or anyone for that matter that does not allow me to do what I want to do. As if im doing something horrible. Im simply trying to build myself and my career. And see and live my life. I never liked being the centre of attention and definately not being watched like an eagle. Or under supervision. Ive left many places behind that i dont necessarily want to be in because i simply told myself so. haha. I dont want to break promises that ive made to myself, no matter how unreasonable or inlogical these promises may sound to other people, they sound perfectly fine to me. Imagine, someone making promises to you, and breaking them. How would a person feel? bad. Because promises are to be kept. Now imagine making a promise to yourself, and breaking it? *take it in*. It s painful and heart-breaking. Dont we already have enough of those being passed around? Lots of heartbreaks and pained souls? Why should i now do the same to myself? We always, put ourselves in such situations.

Ive noticed, From my last statement, that I normally blame myself when unfortunate things happen. I dont know why. Perhaps because like I said before, nothing happens without us making the first moves, or being a part of something. Apparently everything is within our control - i guess, at least most of the time thats true, so if i find myself in a bad or a challenging situation, it most probably didnt just come out of the blues. I must have been a part of the flow of actions that occurred which eventually led to such situation.


"Its very easy to be different, but very difficult to be better." - Jonathan Ive


Its so strange, how one could talk about things in the early hours of the day and end up seeing those exact things later in the night. I was talking to a friend today, about how its always a good thing to speak your mind. I wont go deep on that it was sort of a personal discussion. How can a person like another and not do anything about it? Normmal, like everyone does. You just sit back and watch the person slip away slowly into another persons arms. Just kidding. So basically i was discussing how a person should always speak their mind about what they want, because whats the worst that could happen. According to my friend, regret is the worst that could happen.I wont add my thoughts to this but anyway evening comes, and I go out with a good friend of mine that decides to suddenly open up to me about how he feels for a girl hes been seeing. That he likes the girl. Let me just say that I felt awkward. I dont know, maybe I dont like it when guys tell me about other girls most of the time, especially girls they like because then im like what am I supposed to say? :')

So I told him, what I was told in the morning. Perhaps advice that I wouldnt take in the content thats been discussed in , but nonetheless if its advice that may not have been beneficial for me in my situation, or atleast not now, doesnt mean it wouldnt be beneficial to a friend. Besides it is great advice. "Maybe you should say something", I said. Meaning be clear about what you want. Right?

What happened is, I have my ex on whatsapp and hes saying hi to me. So i asked today if we could be friends and it was weird because he is married and i guess because i overthink a tiny bit I was thinking about if his wife might mind and if this would be appropriate. I then thought why should it be weird, Im just an ex and at the end of the day he is married to her. Im not a bad person, hes just a cool guy that i like and respect and would like to be friends with, i think, because simply why not?

It was a weird experience that lasted a few minutes but then it was fine.


"A person doesnt have to be perfect to be exactly what you need." - Unknown


Interesting perspective (y).


Xx

Aurora

These days whenever i feel down i've learnt to tell myself: 'create beauty when there's no beauty,create love when there's no love,create hope when there's no hope,this is what God made me for' 'To bring more beauty to this world'. i ll feel very much positive then. As long as there's light, darkness will never rule! lets make ourselves lights! :)

I remember reading this post a while ago and ive saved it to post it one day here. Its very nice.

Im happy. happy to get lost..in things that mean something to me and matter to me. Happy to get lost in things that wont waste my time. experiences, challenges. things that will make me what i am and what I want to be. Happy to get lost in things that will contribute to myself and my personal growth and journey. Lets get lost? :*


" About me: I like the smell of earth. the touch of waves, the taste of berries, the sight of trees, the sound of laughter, and the feeling of being fully alive." - Unknown


I really like myself. I repeat, as ive mentioned this before, not in the tiniest vainest way. No! Im simply just trying to understand myself. For years. Imagine loving someone, being so young, not having a slightest idea who you are, and your said loved one not even helping. not their job, but my previous experience just inlargened my question marks. Thankfully seems like ive always sort of felt or had a good sense or feel of my priorities? otherwise i wouldnt have been here. where i am today. I know im a determined person thats for sure. But what else are you? who are you? what do you like what do you dislike. what makes you see glitters? what makes you see darkness? can you endure? what is your limit? what do you want?

We are a mystery. sometimes a stupid mystery. But i learn about myself, i am. Im starting to really like the person im becoming. Im not perfect, but everytime i see something not right, i point it out and i try to fix it. All that matters to me, is to surround myself with people right now that do not kill me (kill my vibes/my imagination/my drive/my emotions/or just me) :). People where im from tend to do that to me, most of the time thats why we never click or work because our mentalities and ambitions are totally different. Most of the time that is the case! Maybe i meet the wrong people but whatever. I like and admire ambitious people. No matter how ridiculous their ambitions may sound. Nothing is impossible. Hey! anyway regardless, it just shows that you are a person with a vision and you are cool to me! haha. so yea I have very few ppl that i like from where i come from. That sounds funny.."From where I come from..." Haha


"Not a word passes between us, not because we have nothing to say, but because we dont have to say anything." - Khalid Hosseini


I am so still in my comfort zone, in my opinion. But getting there..Sumaya get out there! Gooo! Continue meeting awesome people. be humble. Love, everything and everyone. Open your eyes. LISTEN. Learn. Grow! Grooow! Take care, Be wise. Expand your wisdom. Have conversations with more random strangers. Focus. Do what you have to do. Stay focused. Build yourself. Read more. Go on adventures. Its almost the end of the year remember? :) Be good to yourself. I love you

Maya!! Shameless Maya liked my comment on one of her posts!! I love love love that woman to pieces..I love her. She is my total complete definition of a truly beautiful woman. I will meet her one day! and we gon be buddies bahhaha. Why not even do some sort of work together?! Now, thats one person that really inspires me :) Thank you Maya :)


"I think...if it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads...then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts" - Leo Tolstoy


Xx

Serendipity

This week was my first time to be part of an interview, ofcourse ive been interviewed before, this is not what i meant though. I mean this was my first time to be on the other side of the table. No big difference, but you sort of decide to calm the fuck down when you're not necessarily trying to impress someone rather you should be the one being impressed? something like that...


"I have been a haunted house. I have had things die but stay and I didnt know how to make them leave. And there were certainly times I didnt want them to leave because they were beautiful. They were no longer real but they were beautiful. They were bridges to brighter days." -Jamie Tworkowski


Then today, we were supposed to hold another interview, and during the last ones, I was usually just observing, and on my laptop half of the time. 30 mins before the interviewee arrives, I was informed ill be interviewing, and i panicked a little but i guess it was not bad, Ivana was talking aswell so it wasnt like it was just me asking so it kind of flowed well. It was interesting. Good experience haha.

I needed help, someone to give me a ride earlier this week to go do an errand in my previous place where i used to stay, its quite far and i asked a friend to take me. So he agreed, we were supposed to go, it got late and so I just went home. I was a bit upset. I mean we always make excuses for people, because sometimes you feel like no one really owes you anything and theyre just doing a favour, butt this makes me wonder why people no longer do things just to genuinely help or out of kindness? why?


"Silence says a lot more than you think." -Unknown


I know the place was far, and my friend had a point in saying that if he were to take me there then he'd rather run an errand for himself as well and i had to help out. I was stressed, what he was asking for in my opinion was not as important as what i had to do there nor more important than what i was going through emotionally and it upset me that he was only taking me so as to "hit 2 birds with a stone" do me a favour, and get his stuff done. If you think about it real quick it seems very reasonable, but regardless, people shouldnt be like that. If he werent able to run his errand that day there, he wouldnt have taken me and this is what happened. Monday, we couldnt arrange for what he wanted to get done there, and as i mentioned i was to help, but imagine i work for long hours, and when im not working, im worrying about my visa whch is still not done (within this week it will be though :D) and just a short list of other emotionally killling things. I just needed someone to help me a little you know? So monday i go home meanwhile  could have just taken a bus there earlier instead of meeting my friend and feeling lost and wasting time.

I wasnt gona ask again. Tuesday he contacted me and said we'd go. The pressure i was put on was unbelievable. ridiculous. After much contemplation from his side, live in my face (he suddenly felt sick) we went. got it done. But i would have probably been really upset if we didnt because it was getting late and it would have been another waste of time.


"Some journeys in life can only be traveled alone." -Ken Poirot


I dont know, I probabaly sound like a heartless person right now, but, im just wondering why people dont frequently help others without there being any gain? Help as much as you can, and when u r in need, it will come back. Karma exists. There should always be somethign to gain out of everything you do. Im nto saying be stupid. No! But have some heart. Empathy. Soul.

Nonetheless, my friend helped me out eventually, regardless i appreciated it. But this situation just brought to my attention. That no one really cares. If you have something, you should never rely on others. Rely on yourself because as a person that si trying to be responsible, you would have things to deal with and basically everyone else has things to deal with. Do your own things thats all. And dont rely on people. There is only so much other people can do for you. Im not saying that there is no luck, or that there is no kindness or whatever in this world no thats not what im saying. Im just saying that its better to be surprised by such acts of goodness rather than always being the person relying on others for everything! Anyway, After that journey i did feel reliefied so thank god its over and done with. Still have to go get a few things again but there really isnt any rush. Perhaps even next month or whenever id find myself free they could be done :) its fine.


"We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be." -May Sarton


Penang. was there for the 4th time lat weekend. I love it. didnt do much. met a friend thats leaving soon. Some hardcore environmentalist. very impressive, so we just spent some time together and went for a movie with soem their friends and dinner. The fooooood is out of this world. Somethign about their high sense of spices in Penang. Its amazing!! Amazing.

I dont even need to do much there, just the vibes are enough. penang vibes. I really like that place. Ariived Sat. Afternoon, and left Sunday Night. very short but wasnt bad. Refreshing. I liked it. And i love Penang ahaha. This time around i was in a place called Sungai Nebong, a bit up north. My friend stays in a high rise appt. and from there i could sea the water and beautifful hills. It was nice. The weather is a bit better also. Of course, near the sea, better wind compared to KL.

Id try to do 2 more S.E Asia countries, for leisure. short short trips but fun-filled and adventurous kind of short trips :) before this year ends atleast then more next!! So elts save up and get our priorities right yea.


"Im in love with cities ive never been to and people ive never met." -Unknown


Time is running, and i hope the most out of it is done. Its hard but im trying. The year is almost ending. My list of things to do is still not complete haha. I need to meet a little bit more people and go on more adventures and still need to try and do many things! No worries :) But so far Im happy with myself, ive been trying so hard and I hope its making me a better person overall, hopefully wiser, happier, understanding.


Yesterday someone hurt my feelings. I was disappointed. We should always think before we speak, and someone once told me that its better to be quiet if you have nothing good to say. I now see the sense in that.

I was told that I dont care about anything anyway, and that i just keep it going. I immediately said "Thanks for letting me know what you think of me, I appreciate it." I didnt stand up for myself but this situation was different. did i have to? if after a decent time of knowing someone and u are genuine or try to n=be so with them and this is what they gather what do you say? This is a "friend". or atleast thats what i thought but he never fails to make me feel bad. I wont start to make excuses for him to make sense out of it. There is none. So i shouldve stood up for myself?


"There's a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable." - Mark Twain

Why do i have to. I know its not true, and if I genuinely like you, if i really like you and you say such a thing to me what do I tell you? Theres nothing to say...This person doesnt know shit about me, I realised. Its alright. Sometimes im in my own bubble and was that what reality looked like? I dont need people in my life that will make me feel bad about myself constantly. Constantly? Then theres something not right and its not worth it. Im not looking nor do i need this in my life right now. So if you say ill keep it moving, then hell yes I owe it to myself to do so. Let me just say, If that was even true why am I not back home? Why am i still here, trying to make something out of my life, enduring, pushing, putting things together. I dont ever want to hear bullshit like tht again, because then i will get mad at msyelf not even the person who said so. At myself, for wasting time. Hanging out with people that have no idea. Look its fine we cn joke and everything is cool, but for a erson to tell me that oh you dont care about anything? Excuse me what?? This is too personal. Dont fuck with me like that. You dont know or have the slightest idea what ive been through (im grateful.) I have agood life but ive been through things, life is full of challenges but hey bring it on.

You have no idea of my plans or what im trying to do (I thoguht you did?) and then this? I dont care about anything? What does a person even say? haha How do you reply? hahahaha

You start thinking what does this person think of me, and then after that statement, i see no good. I dont know. I dont like to be insulted like that or at all. Why you gotta hurt Papaya's feelings like that?! Shame haha

:) No i wont take it. My vibe was killed for a minute there.

I need reciprocity.

What is reality? Whats wrong with wanting to do things and having plans that do not necessarily seem conventional? then all of a sudden your a person thats not ok in the head? Your a person that is not realistic? YOU DEFINE YOUR OWN REALITY!!


"This longing, too large for heaven and earth, fits easily into my heart." - Rumi


Last Wednesday, was amazing. I had a really good time, on my own i think hahaha. I mean I was out with people, and i know everyone was having a good time, but I was having an awesome time. Everything just clicked inside me lol. Level of intoxication was perfect. Music was on point. Almost very good mix.

Where the adventures at! I still need to go see a waterfall. Next! :)


Xx

Something

Dont mean to be lovey dovey but I was watching a movie and one of the actors quoted this poem. I thought it was beautiful! Its beautiful. Rumi was beautiful haha. :) Wisdom. So much of it.



look at love


how it tangles


with the one fallen in love





look at spirit


how it fuses with earth


giving it new life





why are you so busy


with this or that or good or bad


pay attention to how things blend





why talk about all


the known and the unknown


see how the unknown merges into the known





why think seperately

of this life and the next when one is born from the last





look at your heart and tongue


one feels but deaf and dumb


the other speaks in words and signs





look at water and fire


earth and wind


enemies and friends all at once





the wolf and the lamb


the lion and the deer


far away yet together





look at the unity of this


spring and winter


manifested in the equinox





you too must mingle my friends


since the earth and the sky


are mingled just for you and me





be like sugarcane


sweet yet silent


don’t get mixed up with bitter words





my beloved grows


right out of my own heart


how much more union can there be




come on sweetheart


let’s adore one another


before there is no more


of you and me





a mirror tells the truth


look at your grim face


brighten up and cast away


your bitter smile





a generous friend


gives life for a friend


let’s rise above this


animalistic behavior


and be kind to one another





spite darkens friendships


why not cast away


malice from our heart





once you think of me


dead and gone


you will make up with me


you will miss me


you may even adore me





why be a worshiper of the dead


think of me as a goner


come and make up now





since you will come


and throw kisses


at my tombstone later


why not give them to me now


this is me


that same person





i may talk too much


but my heart is silence


what else can i do


i am condemned to live this life





i’ve come again


like a new year


to crash the gate


of this old prison





i’ve come again


to break the teeth and claws


of this man-eating


monster we call life





i’ve come again


to puncture the


glory of the cosmos


who mercilessly


destroys humans





i am the falcon


hunting down the birds


of black omen


before their flights





i gave my word


at the outset to


give my life


with no qualms


i pray to the Lord


to break my back


before i break my word





how do you dare to


let someone like me


intoxicated with love


enter your house





you must know better


if i enter


i’ll break all this and


destroy all that





if the sheriff arrives


i’ll throw the wine


in his face


if your gatekeeper


pulls my hand


i’ll break his arm





if the heavens don’t go round


to my heart’s desire


i’ll crush its wheels and


pull out its roots



you have set up


a colorful table


calling it life and


asked me to your feast


but punish me if


i enjoy myself




what tyranny is this




you mustn’t be afraid of death


you’re a deathless soul


you can’t be kept in a dark grave


you’re filled with God’s glow





be happy with your beloved


you can’t find any better


the world will shimmer


because of the diamond you hold



when your heart is immersed


in this blissful love


you can easily endure


any bitter face around





in the absence of malice


there is nothing but


happiness and good times


don’t dwell in sorrow my friend



- Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi



Xx

Re-Intro

So many things going through my mind. Dont know where to start... Thats a challenge (I would have used the word "problem" but id rather say a "challenge). This is my only true source of really speaking my mind and sort of letting it all out, perhaps even venting a little sometimes and recording sort of whats going on with my life as a way of maybe one day in many many years reading what ive done before as well as just a platform to express myself, and/but when a lot of things are happening "in my mind" its kind of a challenge to organise the thoughts (but then again my thoughts were never meant to be organised, and never really were when writing here but it just makes it easier to write at times like this).


"Let them know im a supernova who can burn them every step they take because when it comes to you, I can charge up to a million joules and theyre but lackluster debris in our own galaxy when im the most radiant star and youre the constellation." - The Lunatic, The Lover, And The Poet.


Im having a rough time truth be told. I know my priorities at this very moment but its as if i zone out and loose track sometimes. Im having a rough time trying to understand myself. And im getting busier than usual, with work which just makes everything "harder" haha. Look im grateful, but its hard. Im lucky, but its hard. I know it would get better soon..My soul is yearning, for things. Stuff. Something. And im just trying to find my place? I need to settle, and that should be happening soon, but I also need to focus.

Everyone around me, has their shit together, or so it seems. That way, 'wasting time' is just an optional thing, because they can afford it (and now i sound like a rapper or a wanna be rapper from the ghetto wtf was that haha). Simply it seems ill be going back to my hibernating phase, for sometime, ill try. I mean, there is no option here and that kind of sucks. No actually there is, And i choose to 'hibernate'/keep to myself for some time :). maybe a month or so. 2 months. IDK.


"Just because I dont talk about it, doesnt mean I forget." - Unknown


Ive realised that whatever i was trying to achieve, I was achieving it the wrong way. Not really wrong way, but just not the correct way it should be done. To achieve what i was trying to achieve, purely, I should completely embrace myself, and express myself, smartly, and with no fear. Be myself and look forward to meeting people that are on the same path. To be myself. And to let go, or really try to let go, of 1) Negativity. 2) Desires. (Im not trying to be a nun, but go with the flow. When i say desires, i dont mean let go of ur desire to stabilise, or ur desire to achieve something, or the desire to make a change, or a difference - I mean other desires. Nonsense desires). Then those 'nonsense' desires would eventually be obtainable, in  an even better manner than the manner you would have tried to obtain them with at first. So I need to elt go of those desires and i strongly believe they will come in a much better form when their time comes. Those 'nonsense desires could be objects that you would like go acquire, or experiences that one may want to have etc but are not really necessary at the moment.

I dont know what Im saying anymore :)

I embarrassed myself today, and i feel sad. Sad about myself. Its one of the worst feelings a person can experience. I came back home, and a 1001 thoughts were going through my mind trying to analyse the situation and make sense of what i was feeling or the way i was feeling. I was feeling bad. Bad about myself, and so, ofcourse, as humans do, I started blaming, then i started self-victimizing myself. Then I realised, It was my fault. No one meant to make me feel bad, I did it to myself. I was the one that embarrassed myself, and there is no one to blame nor is it any ones fault but myself :)

I needed to be alone.

I know im not giving out positive vibes right now, but forgive me..I am not a positivity machine, and i feel down sometimes. (Althoguh ii wish that would have been awesomeness) Imagine. Basically nothing would affect me, no negative vibes or whatever. Id just be doing my thing. Being an awesome person, Being a good person to other humans, and thats all, no negativity would affect me and basically i just wont be affected by anything because my positive vibes would be never ending almost contagious haha. I just repeated the same sentence like 3 times i think? hah


"Self-love, self-respect, self-worth. There's a reason they all start with 'self'. You cant find them in anyone else. - Unknown


I refuse to allow any one to make me feel bad about myself. aia refuse it because i dont have time for that. If im on the wrong, no problem, but in general, I dont want or need people or someone to make me feel bad about myself or even hint it. Ive had more than enough of that already :) I dont deserve it.

The human mind..I wish i could understand. Maybe i should meet a neurologist? And they can explain things to me. Or a psychiatrist? That would be nice. Im just, uh, I need to stop trying to figure out everything. I need to slow down a little and focus on whats really important right now. Thats all.


"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know." - Ernest Hemingway

I know im missing something. Not missing like missing out. But missing something. Thats all im going to say. And its fine, people miss things all the time, but they keep going they dont make it the centre of attention or centre of focus in their lives. Instead they take on new things to take away their minds or divert their attention nto something else. Be productive.

I might be unconsciously hurt. But hey! Im fine :) Im more than fine. Whatever we go through its just to prepare us for greater moments and times ahead for us to be able to appreciate and that is beautiful.


"Watch carefully, the magic that occurs, when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves." - Atticus


sometimes things feel like, im in a dream, for a few seconds, not a bad thing. Its ok. But tis like i lose touch with reality for a few seconds. And all that just happens in my head thank god haha. I like to connect with people but so,eti,es you meet people thatyou like and they kind of block you. So you probably would connect with them for a short while then they get scared and back off (o something like that, havent really completly figured out how it works but yea) then make u feel weird. This happened twice in my life and it probably means that either the person has some issues which is ok or that they are not ready. Im not an expert, but this is my theory haha.

Whatever you're going through, believe and know and trust that it shall pass. It will get better :)

I wrote this post yesterday and i was feeling blue, but im becoming more yellow today haha. Its fine! It will be fine (ok enough with the phrase, point received).


"I respect those who tell me the truth, no matter how hard it is." - Unknown


I spoke to my dad today, I sent a message on his phone, thinking my brother would get it, because he usually texts me through there and I thought maybe the phone is with him but my dad receives it. He thought it was for him, didnt mention names, and frankly it was alright, nothing personal in the message. But at the end I was like should I just quit and come back home. So I received a voice note, I open it and its from my dad! haha. It made my day. Look im normally a self-motivated person but that was definaately motivating. Im grateful and thankful regardless and despite everything and everything. But as humans, Its normal for us to feel down sometimes and I was. I guess i just needed to hear that. It fueled my spirit a little although i like to think my spirit and soul is constantly being fueled (with good vibes :) and everything awesome). But yea! He told me like 5 times, never to say I want to quit again. And thats True, Im not a quitter. The climb is always stressfull. Challenge accepted :)

Im happy. May all the light, positive vibes and energy surround us and be around us. Can you feel it? :) I do.


Xx

A Papaya In Cambodia

Before i start telling the Cambodia story. A while ago I borrowed money from a girl and I kept on postponing because I had some circumstances. Im not trying to make excuses but whatever happened happened. This person is now giving me a hard time even after settling. She says she is an emotional person, F*&% I AM TOO! We just had a conversation and I apologised 1001 times. What do you want from me? Im sorry, Im sorry it had to be that way but do you have to rub it in my face and make me feel like shit more? I just dont get it. I didnt understand her point. Uh I dont have time for this! Thing is I cant go to her place to personally give it back to her and its not like im being disrespectful or anything becausae yes I understand the same way she gave it to me personally, I should probably give it back to her the same way too. But I cant! I cant. If I could I would have also gone to get my bag of books!


"I like people with depth, I like people with emotion, I like people with a strong mind, an interesting mind, a twisted mind, and also people that can make me smile." - Abbey Lee Karshaw


So I asked, the only person I know around that area if they could help. And the girl agreed. She works, so she would only be available at night. And she said i should tell this girl to come meet her in a place which is 10mins tops walk from where she lives. She says she cant. What do you want me to do? What shouyld I dooo. I honestly dont think the girl would agree to go to her place and give it to her there, IDK.

Im confused. So when she called, she was just talking like a person thats victimized. Get over it. So difficult waw. Look I appologised, and its enough. Ima shit person fine. But circumstances sometimes are underestimated. Bsasically next time, think before you do anything. ?


"I dont want just words, If thats all you have for me, you'd better go."  - F. Scott Fitzgerald


So tired. I arrived today, was held in immigration for hours, after that instead of taking a cab or train i decided to take the bus to KL Sentral and it was only 11rm. From there I stopped to eat in a mamak because i was starving then took another bus that costed 2.50rm to One utama then walked home. Nice but exhausting. I feel slow, cant think straight, but im alright. Id really like to clean the room but no energy and will be having a long day at work tomorrow so Ill be going to bed extra early. Perhaps When I come back from work ill clean up.

I need to start looking for appropriate visas and applying. Got one month to do that :)

Getting visa to Cambodia from here was easy. Took one day thats all. So I left on the 24th of July, Friday and I arrived there in the morning. 10-ish am. I took a tuk tuk to the hotel that i had already booked online. Oh wait, I was stopped at immigration and asked to go to an officers room. Apparently Sudan is among the blacklisted countries to Cambodia what the fuck..Anyway they asked me some questions like how much money you got for your trip, duration, where will you be staying etc then let me go. That was super embarrassing and annoying. This fucking passport is not making my life easier jeez.

So yea, I took the tuk tuk. costed about 5 dollars.The guy was pressuring me to go visit the temples. So this is one of my observations, they like to pressure people and not in a nice wasy. Like have you been to this place and that place? No. You should go. Go tomorrow. We will get you a tuk tuk. Then you do this and that and this...Hello? Hold on, I didnt even ask forsuggestions in the first place. Calm down. I mean yea they are beautiful places and basically a person is missing out if they coe to Cambodia and doesnt see them, But what if a person just wants to chill at the hotel? and it happens what? A person might just want to be in the hotel and do whatever they want to do. Is it by force? So yea they pressure a lot and theyre rude about it. Its as if theyre hustlers by nature. So far, Lao people are nicer lol.


"I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions, or unnecessary conversations." -Joquesse Eugenia


The hotel I stayed at was quite nice. Was about 24RM a night. Big room with a king size bed and a private tilet. Not bad at all. Cons: No a.c so I was literally evaporating the entire time I was inside and no windows to allow some breeze, so basically It felt like I was in a sauna. Then th water, for some reason is so rusty. It looks clean, but the smell is ridiculous. It oozes of iron! I read that in the reviews when I was first checking out the hotel online but didn't pay much attention to it. It scary. You shower and come out stinking of iron? Anyway so that's it.

First day, I blacked out a little after arriving- a few hours then changed my clothes and went for a walk. It was nice. I found a river, and walked by it, got some local sandwiches and a shake then stopped by a 'fancy' place and had a beer and some delicious dumplings. Then walked back home. Later on that night I wnt to pu street and got on a motor bike for the first time in my life. It was amazing but recently a friend of mine showed me pics of his leg with a bruise on it after riding on a motor bike and no it is not worth it so id probably have second thoughts next time I consider riding a bike. questions like 'how long have you driven (because ofcourse I wont dare drive on my own -yet) would arise and are u experienced and so on haha. Serious analysis and profiling will be happening.

I then met a guy at that pub street in a place called soul train. I didn't like him and I wont go into further details but however I managed to still try and enjoy my night and afterwards he didn't hear from me again and I didn't see him again. Good because I really just didn't like him for reasons ofcourse but not bothered to write about it because who cares. I don't. He was half Algerian half Italian and was born and raised in France. The entire pub was filled with French peeps that day and a lot of gays as well. Not trying to associate gays with French or saying anything just 2 observations that im noting down :) I was feeling vibes from the gay people and no im not gay but when I see a guy and he happens to be gay I almost can tell, most of the time, perhaps especially when we look at each other! Strange


"The saddest part about us is that we would break our hearts over and over again just to stay in love." - Unknown


2nd day I was contemplating whether i should go try that happy pizza/happy shake thing I heard so much about, although what the hell is there to contemplate there but a cute guy offered to buy me drinks at the pub he manages and i was like what the hell, ill come again for that pizza hahaha so yea. I went to yet another pub on my 2nd and last day..It was called mad monkey hostel and i went to the bar. No a bad gig, heard about that same place from 2 sets of different friends so i thought there must be something happeneing there huh? Luckily i met the manager there and he invited me so it was cool. It was interesting. The floor was transformed into sand so u get that beachy feel. Pretty cool.

I was quite nervous. Later on like 15 mins later i realise theres a huge board across me that says Grenade something with a list of countries and numbers next to them. So i asked what that was all about (And of course Sudan was not there because, i guess we havent reached that level of coolness yet hahah) and he told me its a shot u took and according to how many u take, ud get a point. So i was like Sudan here we go. Shots must have been a big deal because otherwise why is there a big ass board hanging there and ppl competing and wait, its called a grenade.

Interesting part is that now the drink comes and its a normal glass filled with red-bull half way, then 2 shots put on top. One is tequila and the other is that jagerbomb thing. So its infront of me and what i do is i proceed to take the two shots out of the glass, to start, because hello that seems like the most logical thing to do? I dont know i thought they were saving space or something bny putting the two shots on top of the glass. The guy was just like woah woah what are you doing? And i welcomed that question with a poker face look. He then shows me, and he takes the tequila shot out and lets the Jagerbomb shot drop inside the glass with the redbull. My face.. I was like Oh My Gohh that is so cool!! :')


"Show me your hungry soul and ill show you mine. Vulnerability is truth, our naked soul is love." - Kimberly Wadsworth


So i did the same. it tastes funny but man you feel good afterwards and Sudan ended up getting 2 points! Haha..Pretty sure next Sudanese ppl that come there are gonna be like who the f&%$^ did that! haha Awesome.

3rd day morning I left. Cambodians are sort of weird with me and my passport. they were all making a big deal out of it in the airport. First person- at security check point when entering airport to waiting lounges started talking in Cambodian and only thing id sum out of it is Sudan Sudan.Uhh he even calls a guy that was sleeping to come and see. At that point I was concerned and asked if there was a problem?

Then at luggage check point same thing happens and i just got pissed. Dont play with my nerves like that man! This one just said theyve never met a person from Sudan before. >.>

I know I said id write every Monday and Tuesday but my schedule is much more tight now since ive started interning.

Ill try.

Been feeling so down today. But ill be fine :)

I need to save up more and manage my finances better. Then I need to move out to my own place/room/whatever..I want to travel more and see more places i havent been to..Ill do that. Im fine now but ill be even better, much more better in Sept./Oct. Oh my the year is almost ending. Tie is flying :) Its crazy.


"Id cut my soul into a million different pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home. Id write love poems to the parts of yourself you cant stand. Id stand in the shadow of your heart and tell you im not afraid of your dark." - Andrea Gibson


Ive gained so much weight recently. Oh btw when I was in Cambodia I read this article in a magazine. You know those auditors page at the front? Yea, so the guy says instead of him writing he will just paste a piece written by a college student that they wrote for their entry. AN entry letter written by a guy that was applying for a college. man i need to organise my thoughts better, process them better before writing haha. Anyway it was a motivational funny kind of letter and it was just amazing. wanted to take a picture of it to read it again later but of course my phone batt was low. I even contemplated ripping the page and taking it with me but that wouldnt have been a good look. Rude. And it should be there because I hope someone else sees it and reads it and i hope it puts a smile on their faces the way it did for me. Fo that reason on my next post ill look for that letter and post it up here :) Pure awesomeness!

In conclusion, I didn't do much in Cambodia and this piece right here was rather boring but im determined to go again! Thinking of going to Ipoh on one of those coming weekends for a bike tour with a couple of friends. Should be fun :)

Xx

Discursive

Where is my mama? she doesn't want to talk to me :( Shes probably pissed because we had a misunderstanding. She is such a sensitive human being. That is my conclusion. But whenever this happens i explain my actions and then next day or 2 we would resume our normal chitchats.

Currently I am tired. I feel tired. Think I've had a long weekend. Well it did feel long...

On Thursday boss says I dont have to come to work on Friday, so basically my weekend started since then. Friday night I was invited out by Ivana to join her and her friends that were travelling and happened to be passing by KL. So around 9pm, I was on my way to her place where she came down to get me. Her friends had gone out and were on their way back. In the mean time we just chilled in her apartment and had a few drinks while listening to music and smoking a few ciggs. in the toilet.


"Some feelings don't go away, they just get avoided." -Unknown


Their taste of music was interesting. I mean i like it. Sort of like the new hiphop style, but i was surprised to find out that Germans or Europeans would be into that! im so ignorant. it was nice though. We had a few laughs and what not, her friends joined shortly, they had dinner and we just hung out till everyone was ready and we were on our way.

Went to Changkat, Havanna..ofcourse ;P then a place called Elixir. After that got into a cab and it was around 1-ish? and at that point i thought we were going home but to my surprise they said ZOUK! yay. This was my first time in Zouk. Heard alot about it because, yes its quite famous among party people here and all that jazz, but never been there because it was either i was under age or my age was fine but i was with under age people. haha


"Like a person because they are worthy, not because you are lonely." -Papaya


So you see, I just did a quote. Lie! HAHA I slightly played around with the words of a cheesy quote from an unkown author. There are some advances in the heart region over here. I feel its becoming stronger. In a good way, for me.

So finally I made it there. Ivana, turns out didnt really like the kind of music they were playing there, I think rootz would be great for her. I like it. Anyuway one of her friends was actually alright with it and im alright with what seems like almost all kinds of music. Ofcourse i wouldnt wana be hearing like Indian music or stuff like that. Im not ok with that. I dont ever want to go to a club with Indian music. I dont like it. its not fun for me.. Been to a place like that before and I didnt really enjoy. so yea im fine with anything just dont play that hahaha or oldies music. 90's music. dont do that. but i guess it also depends on the mood. if im going to just be seated then  fine, but if im going with the mentality of maybe dancing then no!

Anyway Zouk. Was interesting. very crowded. Chinese people everywhere. I swear they love to drink and party! They are everywhere! Good for them though :) I mean if it makes them happy! None of my business anyway. They had like mini different parties in there with different music. very cool. Its like a maze in there. very easy to get lost!


"You deserve someone who knows how to make things up again after making you feel bad.Not someone who's very good with just the word, 'Sorry'". -Unknown


First of all I feel the need to explain to myself that the above quote is extremely cheesy. Yes it is. But its nice in a weird way. Different perspective and I like different perspectives. Generally I am very welcoming of different perspectives. They entertain me and expand my thinking box. So i like it.

But there are some things i need to point out in the quote. Why you gotta go through all that!! haha. Why let someone make you feel bad in the first place??!!! You deserve someone that knows how to make things up again...Wait, Stop. You deserve someone that doesn't even have to make things up again. Hello! But regardless its not so bad. I mean lets be realistic, people will always manage to fuck up somehow, Its true because one can never find someone that has everything exactly the way they want them to be. So just cut it short and learn to accept people. Love them, make them feel good about themselves, and if they have flaws? kiss them :) Just kidding but no kiss them. No seriously, if they have flaws? Highlight their good stuff and help them overcome, improve if they want. I mean if they are serious detrimental flaws or whatever...

Speaking of which, I realised recently, That I really hate it when someone makes me feel bad about myself. I mean obviously its not something anyone would like but i wont let it pass. Not any more, especially if we are 'friends'. It will makle me think. If they are right, then fine things can be worked out and adjusted but to make me feel bad about mysself and make me feel like 'oh its just sumaya nevermind'? Are you mad!!!?? Then you dont have a place in my life as well. If you ever feel liuke you could contsantly postpone on me, and make excuses, because i will understand and it will reach a point whereby it will get to me, and i will feel bad about myself. This has no place i n my life anymore. I do not entertain such noinsense. I dont need som eone to make me feel bad, I can feel bad about myself all alone. I canm feel bad about myself by myeself. I dont need or want someone to do so or help me do so. You think you have something better to do? No problem at all :) Good-bye.

Anyway my feet were killing me. Luckily I had some flats in my bag and I just smoothly changed my shoes. The girl was impressed haha. High heel problems!


"I wish I knew how to make you want to be with me forever." -Unknown


So ma'am/sir, I have news for you. You are with the wrong person! Please stop this nonsense and get busy. looking for the right person if its bothering you too much.

I was feeling a bit awkward because Ivana is my boss and I had to sort of hold back but she is very cool. coolest boss EVER! and im the luckiest. I'm getting spoiled too much. I must do well. I should repay her for her kindness by taking this job very seriously. And I love it so it shouldn't be an issue at all :)

Im so grateful. Its amazing. Im amazed. Im in awe. Thanks..

Saturday I met Patrick, He made me realize, well actually just confirmed not made me realize, that im a sapiosexual. That is, to be attracted to intelligence or someones mind. I already know this about myself. And my ex is a proof. I just love a man that knows his sh&%. Also being a bad boy and a smart ass? I'm dead. But no, we shouldn't limit ourselves, or what we think we like or we don't. its not right..


"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." -Hunter S. Thompson


" – For the record, I don’t agree with this statement, I do though understand the sentiment behind it. At some point in life we get caught up in the day to day and complain about a lack of ambition or inspiration. Falling into a routine can limit creativity and ultimately hurt the work of a writer. While Thompson suggestion is one method, an alternative could easily be adding in changes to your set routine. Take a different route to work, go the gym later or earlier, experience art that you’re not familiar with. Basically, live life to the fullest." (http://wordables.com/5-quotes-by-hunter-s-thompson-only-writers-will-understand/)

I was just recently and briefly reading about this guy and Im very intrigued. Seems like he was a very passionate mister with a wild mind! Very Interesting and I totally agree with the writers explanation and point of view on the quote.

Moving on... So Patrick was an interesting character. He is currently pursuing his masters in Canada but came here to intern for an NGO in Penang. Ge this, he studies sustainable management. Was speaking to Nuha today and she goes like where was he in our final year? haha. My final year project was on sustainability and he would have actually helped me a lot, or just made things much easier for me. but its alright, It worked out well regardless. He has a huge tattoo on his arm with the recycling icon. So nice! He is actually almost like a hard core environmentalist. I dig, but sort of difficult but i dig. Haha


"Close some doors today, Not because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere." -Paulo Coelho


Paulo Coelho MY MAAAAAN!

So that was my Saturday. Sunday was just a chill day. I TRIED to do some work, but honestly my laptop is making me flip!! Its so annoying, I cant do much with it. 1. Can t move it around. 2. its very slow. So i whatsapp-ed Denys asking if he could come help me do something to try and speed it up. Then as if my boss magically sensed my struggle. She whatsapps me shortly afterwards to tell me they might buy me a new laptop next week. They're awesome. Of course it would be company property but doesn't matter id be using it, so that should be good.

This thing is just holding me back, I need something a bit faster and i personally really cant afford anything now. Maybe next month id fix this one properly or see if I could try and buy another one. Even a lightly used 2nd hand one wouldn't be too bad.


"It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply." -David Jones


I can relate.

Its Tuesday. And then as i wrote "its Tuesday" that Drake and the mckonan guys (is that how u spell the name?) song came to my head. No we are not clubbing though, just home feeling gloomy and broke -_-. hahah

Im tired of running around embassies, this better be worth it. Anyway funniest situation ever happens today. Funny and just awkward. Im at the Singaporean VAC submitting documents to process my visa so of course they're going through the papers and all that. then they take a look at the invitation letter Ishpal sent us and they tell me the handwriting of the first part is different from the second. So she goes on to say that if I insist on giving it that way, they don't mind but they advice me that I should ask the sender to re-write it by himself.

Now, i had only one hour remaining and i really cant go all the way back there again so I asked her to wait so I go on to call Ivana. And we both laugh awkwardly and she says let me check with him and ill call you back.


"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time." -Mark Twain


So shortly afterwards she calls back and says that he said he wrote it on his own. Now I really cant argue because Ivana is my boss (managing partner) and Ishpal is also one of the partners of the company so if they tell me its written by him then its written by him! Are we going to tell him he's lying? And honestly even asking them to re-send it to me again was already awkward enough so i just quickly explained to her what happened and told her that id just tell them that he says its him! and that if theres anything they should call him.

While I was seated outside waiting for Ivana's call, I had a little chat with the guard. He told me one of his sons was doing his PHD and is now a lecturer in one of the universities in SG. We were talking about how expensive it is there and he says that if you work there its actually not so bad because you also get paid well. So high salary and high living expenses sort of balance each other out. He then told me that his son gets paid 40K+ per month. Sing. Dollar. And I was thinking, If i get paid that amount of money, why would i let my dad work so hard? Of course the man could be bluffing, but i chose to give him the benefit of a doubt. Weird son.

I need a back up place to go to but I really would prefer if I could see somewhere else also other than Lao! Lets see :)


"Forever is composed of nows." -Emily Dickson


I need to come up with loyalty program ideas for a cafe shop. Memership cards/food and drink. I havent researched anything yet but I already have 2 ideas from talking to friends. Lazy? or just trying to research in a different way? let me be nice to myself and say the latter is on point! ;)

Its become an old story, but I still miss you. I miss you so much and I realise how much I do, when I start thinking about it. And it scares me. So I have no option but to try and not remember you, and ive gotten better at it. I want you to be happy but I hope you never forget me. Was it that simple.. This is a question and id love to know its answer. But it doesnt matter does it? It doesnt. Its just that, I was too attached to you. I thought you were a constant. The thought of ever losing you used to bring tears to my eyes even when u were beside me. Literally. And I used to tell you, I remember. You'd say you're not going anywhere :) Now your not here. Im happy, regardless, but sometimes when I close my eyes, I still remember your face, how you talked, your voice, your laugh. I just miss you and I can never tell you. I hope you are happy, Because I am. I am grateful for all thats going on, I am thankful. So you see, Its very weird. Different. I know how it feels to lose someone dear to you to death. Its the same. Same situation I guess. Im being too dark right now and i dont even like this topic but im editing my post now so yahh. Moving on!!


"But what minutes! Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and each moment is a day. -Benjamin Disraeli

I was out with Ivana again yesterday. Less awkward this time around. Im having fuuuun!! :D and being too spoiled haha. We sort of clarified things yesterday, we can be friends and already are but when its business time we will not joke around. and thats how its been. Business is business, and I told her that I am willing to leaaaarn! Im open and i am willing. I am trying and I told her I wont take it personal if she just speaks her mind to me. Id prefer it that way actually. Im just starting my career and ofcourse im not a pro at anything yet! I will make mistakes and i will want to be corrected and all that sort of things. So she totally understood and also told me that she is that way anyway. So we have a good understanding. She is a great woman, Beautiful, smart, brilliant, intelligent, hardworking, focused, diterminant, and just alot of awesome things. Good company! Cheers. Im looking forward and I will push myself and do my part :) Happily. Such a lovely person. I admire her. Can I be youuu? I said. HAHAHA, jokes :)


"She always that had about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far, and of thoughts that wander off the edge of the world." -Joanne Harris 


We are travelling together soon, for my visa. Short trip but will be fun. Yesterday we met with some other guys from San Fran. Interesting lot, but they went to eat then went home to sleep meanwhile we decided to party on. I mixed so much. Note to self: Never do that again. That much. hahaha but all was good, except for the exhaustion today was unbelievable ofcourse. I woke up like whats going on? Whats happening? what am I supposed to be doing? lol Basically I was wasteeed and needed to chill. Thing is im always chilling. No not really but ima start being more and more active. Thinking of gyming 3-4 times a week? get back to my old track. Should be good for me if i do so. Good for my creativity also maybe.

I keep on forgetting. Today I was standing outside 1 utama's new wing waiting for a taxi. I already thought the taxi i took previously would be around because i asked him to wait for me. there was a line of 2 other taxi's so I asked the first guy and he says 10RM. my response..Why? So he just said because like that lol. No reason. I gave him a bad look and decided to look around for another because no way on earth was i going to give you 10rm for a ride i know costs less than 5. no waaay! I could even walk but the sun was too hot and i was thirsty. So the 2nd guy i asked, they seemed like friends because they were talking to each other and he says same price. At this point i was just wondering, like why you tryna cheat me?> dont you want work? why are you driving? waw. So my response was the same and he then explained that if they go there they wont get customers coming back. Not my problem!! 


" We need women who are so strong they can be gentle, so educated they can be humble, so fierce they can be compassionate, so passionate they can be rational, and so disciplined they can be free." -Kavita Ramdas


Anyway so I said 10rm is too much. Ridiculous, and as i said that I happened to turn around. Now the man took offense, and decided to make it a fight. sort of like a conversation but an angry one. So i was sort of intrigued. Like what are you even wanting to argue about? it is ridiculous! We both know it, anyone that hears the story would know it. What do you want to talk about. so I fixed my posture, because remember i was turning around and getting ready to walk away, so i get closer and i had this smirk on my face like ok what do you want to say, no problem. I understood the man just wanted to talk. Out loud! haha. and he was clearly friends of the guy i gave the nasty look to earlier so fine no problem bring it on. I heard him but not really heard him, then said i could actually walk, its not far distance, 10rm is just too much. so he says "Then walk!." Seriously bro. what was ur problem. I just shrugged my shoulders and i turn around to go inside the mall to the old wing where i could find other taxi's and as i turn around, people were actually staring. A guy that seemed like he's been watching the entire thing raised his eyebrows like what was that? haha. Exactly. I was right. Ridiculous. They were, the prices they both gave me were, and the conversation was. Stupid people wasting my time -_-. Moving on! hhaha


"Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway." Unknown


:)

Good vibes, and positivity all the way and all around me.


Xx

Exalted

I am forever grateful and thankful.

This will be a short post.

I spoke to a beautiful woman, sometime last week. We had a short conversation whereby we both introduced ourselves briefly. She asked what are you doing here, are you studying? And I told her that I used to study here but that I've graduated now and I'm looking for something to do. One thing led to the other and she tells me she just moved here, and there are actually some job openings in their company, and that I should perhaps try and apply.

So I send her my C.V, turns out she personally is the one that reviews C.V's and sets interviews and so on. Basically it turns out that she is the one that handles all these things!

To top it up, she majored on the same thing I've majored on, and if I'm to be accepted id be working with her. First of all, The company seems really good, a start-up yes, but one that has potential. I started liking the idea. And was even liking it more because i get to work with an IBM person (International bus. mgmt.) since I've never! I've never even met a working IBM person before! Man! so my thoughts were, this is perfect. Also the place is not far from where i recently moved to. Please let me get it.

She said she would contact me soon to confirm the interview.

It was set for Tuesday 7th of June. I was very nervous. I wore a red shirt that i normally sweat a lot with. I normally sweat a lot and the material is not so good, makes me sweat even more, and then I'm nervous so I'm sweating triple more! Thankfully I had a scarf with me and so i wrapped it around so it wouldn't be too visible XD

I reach the destination, I see her, she waves, there's another man there, I sit down. Now we started talking and at some point I felt sooo hot so while talking i start lifting the scarf so as to be just around my neck. That was embarrassing.

 They asked about my visa situation and now that was the scary part. I said well i know its a challenge but i could perhaps leave for a few days and come back every once in a while and so on. She says if we take you, we would probably try and figure out something.

The interview lasted a total of 15 mins. Brief and quick.

2 hours later, Im welcomed a board. I got the job.

Is this real? man, words cannot express my feelings. I have so much positive energy and vibes, i don't know what to do with them! Recycle them XD.

Do good to others and good will come back to you. I testify!

A friend of mine, told me, to take note of whats happening around me. watch and listen. hear the universe, look for signs, during the interview. My reply was ill try! Because even then I'm not sure if id remember my name :'). An exaggeration of course XD.

We were seated at a Starbucks INSIDE a mall. And when i looked to my right hand side, I saw a beautiful little birdie that was inside! So when i got home, i told my friend, this must be a good sign eh?

I am humbled by the power of the almighty. Thank you. I wanted this, I might have even needed it, for now, this is more than I can comprehend. I am truly happy. Whoever reads this, I send you positive vibes wherever you are! Good magical vibes ;)

 Do you feel it? I do ;)

Xx

Lost Frequencies

It is a great thing to have someone or some people that you feel comfortable with and at ease when around. Because no matter what, they will still like you and care about you:). But.. What if i don't want to be liked (by certain people of course)? What if I want to be admired, thought of as different, unique, adored :). Too much maybe, I guess being liked is not so bad. Be grateful? lol.


"I admire people who choose to shine even after all the storms they have been through." -Unknown


I feel like I need something to focus on. Something I enjoy. I mean I enjoy this, but i need to do more things with my hands.. Denys gave me his camera to try and shoot today, I loved it. Its a good way of expressing someones artistry. Good medium i mean. Its interesting, You see people take random shots of things sometimes, and its amazing how a person can then see what they see and how they see it. The entire process i can imagine is fun. Id also imagine myself going on long trips, and taking pictures, then the editing comes, and i think everyone loves to edit, like how we edit our pictures and then post them on Instagram or Facebook and hey i like that too but i really also have an unexplained fascination with colors. I guess i don't express or let it out enough so its just there but yea.


"I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense." -Ray Bradbury


I'm very optimistic about almost everything. Random (I'm looking at pictures of me we took today and that Bruno Mars song that i used to like but not anymore come on "Just the way you are". He says you're amazing just the way you are, I am! tehehe. I think I'm falling in love with myself. I like her. I'm starting to. And this could be categorized as vainess, but I'm not. Its not, This is not. And i think its important for a person to love themselves. Its important because if you don't, you will never meet your kind of people in this world... And i need to meet my people, I'm already meeting them. But there's more to come :). I'm so happy. Right now. Thats all that matters isn't it...


"Love what you love. Nothing else really matters." -Christopher Poindexter


My best friend was standing behind me, she probably didn't know this paragraph is going to be about her, unless she sees my blog. (If you do, Hi Razan!). She is leaving after tomorrow. Tuesday, just for 3 weeks and coming back. Thing is I'm at a point in my life whereby i really don't know whats going to happen by then. Basically, again, everything will be decided or would be clearer by this coming week. I might not see her again. Ever. Because we don't know how life is sometimes, and sometimes life is like that. You meet, you love, you live, you separate? I might see her again. Regardless, our bond is unbreakable. I never really mentioned her here, but she was one of the first people I met when i first came here. We arrived literally days apart, and we happened to have a similar background in the slightest way possible but enough similarity to be mentioned here. I never liked her, because i stereotyped her. And the kind of stereotype i categorized her under was enough for me to assume and confirm she would not be my type. so my friends would ask her to come over and id curse them secretly, and I just really didn't like her. I was wrong. This is a lesson, and there is a morale in this short story, never judge! never assume! never underestimate! never stereotype!! never stereotype!

Today, we are still friends. 5 years and still more to come because the sit we've seen together is too much to let her go. After my recent bad experience, i was not able to talk to any one. On my birthday, I was out with her, by the end of the night i was pressed, we walked to the toilet where I collapsed. I think that was the day i opened up to her fully about my issue. She hugged me and let me have my space for a while.She was there for me, and she understood, without saying much.


"There is only one success. To be able to spend your life in your own way." -Christopher Morley


 We both have our own lives now, our own goals and everything. We are not those typical girl friends. Well to some extent yes, but its even better. We never used to always be together. We don't always talk. Only when we miss each other she would call me because she has those free stuff (idk how to explain, anyway) and id go see her sometimes. But regardless, I knew she was always there, and it gave me some comfort to know she is around and she feels the same way. To know she is there, meaning literally in the same country as me was just comforting ;') and I tell her that. But how will it be now? We both of course used to go on holidays to visit our families before, but its different now, now that i finished and I'm not really sure if i live here or not anymore, its different. I might not see her again. And I might :)

I cried a little and she gave me a lollipop. Such an asshole. I told her i might not see her again, she said we always say we might not, but we are meant to be hahaha. We had a hashtag battle today on a pic she posted, it was hilarious. Like we were 16 years old haha.

Its a new chapter. Whatever it is, it will be fine. right? It will :).

I want to embrace myself more, let go more, be more enthusiastic about things, because what i recall of myself 5 years ago, I was almost like a dead person, but I was I young, but thats the problem! How can you be so young and lifeless! I was dealing with things older than me. way way older. situations.


"I am not an angel; I asserted; and I will not be one till I die; I will be myself." -Charlotte Bronte


I want to enjoy my life in the simplest ways possible. Sit in beautiful places, visit, travel, see things and people, and amazing situations to be experienced that i can talk about and write about. I'm not perfect, who is? its alright. Love yourself and in return you will meet love itself in many forms. People, places, experiences. I see my life going that way :)

I need to focus on getting out of my parents hair. I mean its bugging me a little but that makes me feel good; that I'm annoyed about still living under my parents expenses because that means I'm not comfortable which also means I'm aware its not alright. Its not normal but i guess its alright that they're helping me out a little since i just graduated and its a bit hard meaning it takes time. wait, its not hard, nothing is, that's not the right word, its a challenge. So, that's the first step and I have a feeling ill soon be fully independent MUAHAHAHA!


"You come and the time slips away in a dream. It is only when you go that I realize completely your presence. And then it is too late." -Henry Miller


Was looking through John Lennon and Yoko's pictures. I would like to recreate them with someone I like. Their faces. The expressions you could see when looking at the picture. It was everything. So i would like to do some more reading about them, and listen to more of their music perhaps.

Was supposed to Skype with nuhnuh. We cancelled, every time we set a time or date something happens. I know we will talk soon and we have a lot to tell each other. One of my dearest people. I love her. She said first time her and Amina heard my voice in class, they loved it :'). Strange story but that's what they told me! They loved my voice hahaha not my personality or character or any of the things that really matter just my voice. I don't know maybe because I'm a smoker, I have this strange thing in my voice. Obviously smoking does something to the voice sometimes i guess. Man I should quit. Was telling Denys the other day that when I was in Lao I tried an amazing cigg. a Korean guy gave me. It was normal at first then it has 2 capsules inside whereby you can click and it changes flavors. So get this, first capsule is mint, and second one is GRAPES! WTF!! so I was telling him that if i get a hold of those cigarettes, That would exactly be when i wouldn't quit. Haah. They're a Mevius brand i guess, and the guy told me they're from Japan but yesterday i saw a lady here smoking them.


"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul." -F. Scott Fitzgerald

Anyway, back to my story, So Nuhnuh and Amina are wonderful people but I was drawn more to Nuha, and so we became really good friends. Thing here is that she is seriously and literally a Genius. We were classmates and she was super smart! Super smart as in first class honors. And in school, I wasn't really dumb either but I'm not that smart lets not kid ourselves. I was a second upper class honors, so just there. An alright person. Good. So we weren't exactly like each other and that's always the case with people that i really click with! we are normally different, but there were things where we perhaps were able to relate on with each other. maybe some of our ambitions and passions in life. A little. So we normally talk for hours. Every Friday (sometimes we would skip a week or so, depending on our schedules and assignments, tests etc) we would go to a coffee shop nearby my place and just sit there. It was called King of sheesha, so obviously they had sheesha. we were both new to it but she loved it more than I did. We would smoke, and the interesting part would be picking a flavor, so every time we get a new one :'). Then we order Juice, and they had amazing ones, fresh and so big! Only for 5 Rm. (They closed down after she left and when she cane back for graduation we passed by and they were closed, I told her it was because they knew she was leaving haha). It was good. Then our sleepovers and green tea before bed, also we worked in the library together so we shared that stress haha. She has so much potential and I'm there to motivate. Wonderful girl :).

The other day, I was speaking to Rocky and i don't exactly remember what we were talking about or what exactly led him to tell me this but he said "Everyone deserves or needs a different kind of love". Meaning every one is unique and needs to be accepted and loved for who they are, in a nutshell.

I thought that was a very interesting perspective. Its true :).


Xx

Je suis moi

Is it normal that most times when im sleep deprived i start talking alot and i feel strangely inspired? and when I sleep and wake up afterwards i feel down. Downtime doesnt last long though.


"If you ever want your soul to dance in the clouds, you will at some point have to juggle lightning and taste the thunder." -Christopher Poindexter


Friday was amazing. Denys showed me a place in KL where there was a DnB event being held. Its his favourite kind of music but up until then i havent heard of it before. I do like trance, and those stuff so i thought maybe its similar. So come friday, we did some pre-drinking in pool area and we were on our way!

Pub was a bit empty but we didnt mind at all. a few friends said they would join and they came about an hour and a half later. By the time they arrived me and Denys were good for the niiight. About two D.J's played and around 1 am the real D.J came and by real i mean the guy the event was originally about. every once in a while there would be a surge of what looked like backpackers that would come dance and go. Honestly most of the time the music was very dancable, but sometimes it was a bit too quick for my mood and that was when id sit down or lean on the table as to chill a little.

I thought the first two guys that played were alright, we danced a little and what not but when the real D.J started I knew nothing else. It was the shit. Imagine you are high as f*&% and if you close your eyes you can hear and feel every single beat. I felt like the D.J was communicating with us! He was that awesome. To me it sounded like reggae DnB most of the time, if there is even such a thing but i heard its either Jungle? or Liquid DnB. But I really have no idea, all i know is that I absolutely love liquid DnB from now on .

There was a boy that looked like the event photographer and that guy was just standing near the D.J's deck dancing like crazy! the guy was having so much fun it made me happy! I swear he looked like he was just feeling the music, he was on a whole other level and i remember me and Denys just looking at him. He was trying to take pictures at some point and i was just fascinated by the struggle. I was curious if he'd be able to make it XD. He goes to put those flashy things that flash when you shoot on top of the speaker and goes a bit further to try and shoot and it falls then he goes to fix it the second time and finally it stabilizes. He then asks if he could take pictures of us and i hesitantly agree because i normally dont really like or trust strangers taking pictures of me (might sound a bit silly but i dont like not knowing where a picture of me might end up being-working on it though because really, who cares). He then asks for our facebook names so that we can be tagged and at that point i stop him because no way but i gave him my facebook name nonetheless because i would still like the pics to be sent to me. The guy impressed me, on top of his level of highness, the pics were on point!

later on we find out he was actually the event planner or one of the event planners. and he is a very nice guy. Seems super fun and he tells me he is from Hong Kong :)

I was worried Nad and Eman were not having as much fun as Denys and I were, but they seemed ok after asking them 10 times if they were fine haha. They came with a friend that was named Jack and he was in his own world the entire time. They later told us that he appologizes for being anti-social but he just has a few things he needed to take care of so we were like its alright if he's good! So basically Jack spent the night on the couch drinking a beer and on his phone, but he assured us that he was good :).


"Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic." -Frida Kahlo


It was time to go after taking a few group photos and socialising with fellow party people. Nad, Eman and Jack were driving back and they asked what me and Denys were planning to do so we just told them that we would figure it out, we are neighbours anyway so our route would be the same haha. Said our goodbyes and that was my friday night story.


"Understand me. Im not like an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I do not have time for things that have no soul." -Charles Bukowski


I promised myself that 2015 would be a year of trying and doing as much new things as possible. In the process, I met people and learnt things, had interesting conversations and laughed like ive never laughed before. Its amazing and the year is not over yet. One of the craziest things ive done was to travel (not really far away but like to different cities and such) to meet people ive only talked with briefly or for a short time over the phone. Ofcourse the conversations must have been interesting or there must have been something i liked about the person or something that intrigued me about them, or again it could have just been a nice conversation that id make such a move.

So I was really stressed out at the time and It was when i first met Mathew. He told me he was going to be in Penang for a few days and asked if I wanted to join. Fast forward a couple of days later im on the bus on my way to Penang! and it was amazing. I remember being a little bit nervous and anxious. Ive always loved Penang, matter of fact ive even considered moving there previously. and so I was like even if he turns out to be a not so nice person (which was not the case at all!) or if the company wouldnt be up to my level of satisfaction or what not id just leave and enjoy my trip alone.

He waited for me at the bus station, I peaked from my window and i saw this handsome guy standing on the pavement and i knew it was him straight away! said our hellos and we were on our way to George town were we chilled for a while at a little cafe till we found a place to stay.

Later we met Dan and a Lisa. It was good. Overall a good experience I loved it all. Moral of the story is when a stranger asks you to accompany them on a trip say yes! No, dont. You must always evaluate a few things before responding, but i guess sometimes luck and fate work together which i reckon is what happened in my case :D.


"I got lost in him and it was the kind of lost that's exactly like being found." -Claire LaZebnik


Dan was from china and he was one of the nicest and funniest humans ive ever met! Also a very curious person and i really dig that. Basically I had great company in Penang and im very lucky. The more people you meet (preferably from different countries, cultures, with different backgrounds and traditions) the more you learn, and the more you expand your knowledge, the more your mind grows and the more your soul desires to seek more. It is simply beautiful. It is a gift from the universe and people should be grateful for such experiences and opportunities because it is like having the world at the palm of your hands.

 Dan was having difficulties saying my name and so he settles with susu :'). As payback perhaps, I started calling Matt 'Gummy bear', because his skin was so soft! and it was just a cute nickname (so creative Sumaya, well done). I remember vividly one night we were playing an X O game on my notebook, and gummy bear tells me something.


"Players only love you when they're playing."


I never quite understood, but nonetheless as time passed the phrase made more sense to me. Its very simple. Sometimes people say or mention things that you don't really understand but as time goes on you sort of get it. Or you could just ask what they mean straight away hah.

Randomly, I would like to declare out loud for no particular reason that If a person offends me, I will probably try to not let it get to me, but they will just not see my face again because aint nobody got time for that! (Ideally id like it to be that way).


"She was too quiet or she was too loud. She took things too seriously or not seriously at all. She was too sensitive, or too cold-hearted.  She hated with every fiber of her being, or loved with every piece of her heart. There was no in-between for her. It was either all or nothing. She wanted everything but settled for nothing." -Unknown


And then someone comments "She was...bipolar." XD so funny well done.


Saturday was spent lazying around the house and Sunday I went with Denys to buy shoes but ended up buying nothing. We just talked and laughed like we usually do and that was fun. I think thats all for now. Nothing more. I should be taking some professional photos sometime this week and im sort of shy and excited. Im sure they'll turn out looking interesting or at least I hope they do! If not ill just have a good laugh and tell myself that ive tried something new and always wanted, to make myself feel better.


"In a world full of trends, I want to remain a classic." -Iman


I would also like to declare that this post is actually a tiny bit late. As in being posted a bit late. But I guess that is for a reason. I have literally not slept for almost 24hrs now for no reason! This morning i had the most interesting conversation with someone. About spirituality in general. I wont go into details with this, but i just want to say that it was one of the most amazing conversations ive had lately! So much knowledge is being passed to me and i am thankful and grateful! This is exactly what ive been asking for. well one of the things ive been asking for and wanting.


"She was like the moon - part of her was always hidden away." -Dia Reeves

In my entire life there was only one person that was able to have such a conversation with me and that person is not in my life anymore unfortunately because it seems the universe just wants it that way i guess, maybe i would fully understand another time but nevermind, this was crazy! I was literally waiting for this person to dissappoint me because i couldnt believe it but throughout the conversation, I knew that this person knows exactly what they were talking about. I like being spiritual but i am not guru! I know nothing and that is my mindset because i am in a learning phase at the moment. I have things to share as well but i need to learn as well.

People are not perfect. and sometimes we must try and put ourselves in other peoples shoes. Perhaps try to relate. Forgive if you feel wronged and forgive... especially if after empathizing with a person you feel may be apologizing sincerely. And then perhaps something could change. Perhaps the person that may have wronged you, would learn their lesson and admire your forgiveness, and it could change something in them. This may not make so much sense. Total random rant. But i have observed a situation that has recently happened and this point has been brought to my attention. A different perspective maybe.


"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." -Stephen R. Covey


Xx