Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Train of thoughts in Lao

It is quite normal for humans to not understand many things in life at times. Sometimes its good to be curious and try to get answers but at other times it may also be a good idea to let things go.

Perhaps I'm saying this right now as a way to convince myself to not ask questions about whats been puzzling me a bit and bothering me recently.

It really felt like a traffic jam in my head, and hopefully letting it out this way may ease it a bit :)

Current mood is not so bad. I definitely feel like I'm in a better state of mind, slightly sort of happy with myself too. I'm doing a good job considering the fact that I'm a painfully shy person, that likes their own space.  Also very anti-social and right now I'm doing the complete opposite! Good job for that.

Lao is quite alright, laid back, but not much to do in Vientiane and no time to visit other cities so that sucks a bit but nonetheless, I'm trying to relax and enjoy as much as I can. Maybe I can visit Vang Vieng? its about 4-5hrs by bus. Ill think about that. Need to get my return ticket as well and that's all.

I love the traditional Laos wear. The ladies here wear those wrap around skirts that are then held together by a metallic belt (which seems like a new fashion trend perhaps) but I absolutely love it. Ill go to the night market today and get myself one! Vietnam's traditional clothes also seem awesome. Although I was just in the airport but saw many Vietnamese people wearing it and I think its quite beautiful.

I am happy. But I have my moments whereby I feel really down but I become fine again real quick so that's alright i guess. It doesn't last XD. But the last thing I would want is to somehow be reminded of things.

I get a text msg late at night. He apologizes. Why? has he heard something that he didn't like and felt bad? Is he regretting? I hope not because that would just be sad. Did he speak to his sister and she mentioned that I might be going to Canada while he knows I didn't have plans for that originally so he felt bad and apologized? what is it?!

Let it be....?!

I was asleep and woke up to see it. I was surprised a bit and not in a good way. I felt my eyes water and throughout the day this continued to happen randomly. I break my own heart at times.

"I am sorry." He said, with a full stop! If a person truly and genuinely wants something they make it happen. Come sunshine, come rain. Almost seems like people sometimes crave a sad life.
What exactly are you sorry for I should have asked. Whatever...

I didn't know what to say! OK? Thanks? What...Silence?

But he should know that I don't hold things in my heart and that i wouldn't be holding things in my heart towards him. I thought this was a done deal. I mean it is! We talked briefly a while ago and i had sort of a "this is my goodbye" kind of convo. We were cool. Finish. Why say sorry now out of the blues? Do i look very sad? Pathetic?

Anyway for a split minute, I kind of thought to myself, don't give me that I'm sorry bullshit. It doesn't make sense...

I said Ok and that I was sorry too and a bunch of other things. I feel like sometimes things i say don't really make sense.

Enough with this. I wished him well and made a prayer for him. I never hold things in my heart. An attribute i like but one that sometimes fail me and makes me look ridiculous. Almost like a person that has no personality? weak? but i know that is not it, I just don't see the need to burden myself. for what? i mean unless a person does something really bad to me. like really really bad then maybe. But I'm genuinely just like that! I really have no proper explanation. perhaps by time I find out.

At the end of the day no one is perfect. We are all work in progress.

I hope to write more soon...

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