Tuesday, 22 September 2015

The Journey (Sweet Disposition) (Old Draft)

Still after my visa. I will try to be positive - try to put my current situation in words, and say, "Im not even close to getting settled bu we're getting there". I have a lot of work, but at the same time my personal life is scattered all around me and i am slowly trying to put the pieces. Arrange the together. I am grateful for all the help im getting from my parents, siblings, friends and work. Thats all, If i say more id probably just sound totally ungrateful. Lets leave that aside for now. Im optimistic about September. It can get exhausting. Sometimes, one just needs a little bit of alone time, or days...

I dont want to sound like a bad person by saying what im about to say, but sometimes im around people, that are super nice and everything but we can never be friends because of alot of things that i wont start listing now, we can hang out and everything briefly but never really friends you know? but anyway, sometimes im around such people and i literally feel my vibe being killed. Like how i picture myself (and not that theres anygthing wrong with their image and id be ashamed to move around them or such. no im not that kind of person, i infact dont mind how people choose o express themselves its totally upto them and i just dont care) and how i think of myself as an individual, my outlook into the world and how i see my self in years time - all these thoughts and energies suddenly begin to go down. I literally feel it. from the things they talk about to what they want to do in the short term and long term if theres any real long term plans at all.

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." - Alice Walker

I dont know how to explain its just that my soul is telling me to go away, from them! usually its temporarily that im around such people so its fine, kind of educational haha and not in the best way perhaps but i guess what im saying is with such people, our energies on important stuff, like shit that really matters dont click! they cant add to my personal development in any way. most of the time and theres nothing there.. but theyre good people, just not my people. So im sort of experiencing this right now and its a forced kind of temporary situation, so as i mentioned, thats fine. but hey! moving on.

I miss mama and sara and azza and mohamed and ahmed and baba and yousif and sanaa and nafisa :") I do I do!!! AAHH

Maybe im a complicated person. Im very easy to deal with, but my mind is very complex. I tend to overthink things. I care about what people think of me as an individual but I also dont care, I am afraid people would judge me, but I dont have anything for anyone and believe that a grown person should be able to make wise and sound decisions for themselves and just do whatever they feel right. I could go on and on and the irony is ridiculous. It is like a paradox. So basically im an inbetween person. It seems. But I live my life however i want to, so on the other hand, Im also taking a stand on what i want, and not really an inbetween sort of person. Actually inbetweeners would be people that are easily influenced. Apparently ive been convinced that im easily influenced, perhps when i was younger and naive. I might be a bit easy to convince.

 I feel like i need to travel, Like a short trip. Something like my Cambodia or Lao trip.

I need to slow down, mentally. Its like im rushing. What am i rushing for? I need to focus on whats important right now - get things done. This a talk to YOU BRAIN :'). how about we chill and focus. Seriously -_-.

"You will die a thousand times before you wake up feeling alive in your own skin. You will love all of the wrong hearts before you realize the strength in your own." - Unknown

I might have a clash with some people. I dont want to make it sound like its a big deal because whatever I am about to clash on, with said people, shouldnt be a major issue to start with, But since it seems like it has to or im being pushed to make it happen, unconsciously by them, then i shall not fail to make it happen. If i need to make a stand and let people that I respect know that i dont accept what they are telling me, then i need to do it. Especially after repeatedly telling said people that this is what i want and this is what id like to do and i get no respect reciprocated or understanding then it might be an issue. I also repeatedly mentioned that i should not be forced to do anything unwillingly, that i want to make my own choices and I have been, ever since ive been in college then i dont know what to say anymore.

I need this. I need to be left alone to do what i want to do. How come that isnt enough? All I need is support. All kind of support i can get and let me see me. If youd like, see me through. Tell me ull always be there, but dont push me because ill hate you. Most probably

"I am too full of life to be half loved." - Unknown

I know this sounds very serious. Perhaps the word hate is a bit too strong, but let me say ill just dislike said people alot. Or anyone for that matter that does not allow me to do what I want to do. As if im doing something horrible. Im simply trying to build myself and my career. And see and live my life. I never liked being the centre of attention and definately not being watched like an eagle. Or under supervision. Ive left many places behind that i dont necessarily want to be in because i simply told myself so. haha. I dont want to break promises that ive made to myself, no matter how unreasonable or inlogical these promises may sound to other people, they sound perfectly fine to me. Imagine, someone making promises to you, and breaking them. How would a person feel? bad. Because promises are to be kept. Now imagine making a promise to yourself, and breaking it? *take it in*. It s painful and heart-breaking. Dont we already have enough of those being passed around? Lots of heartbreaks and pained souls? Why should i now do the same to myself? We always, put ourselves in such situations.

Ive noticed, From my last statement, that I normally blame myself when unfortunate things happen. I dont know why. Perhaps because like I said before, nothing happens without us making the first moves, or being a part of something. Apparently everything is within our control - i guess, at least most of the time thats true, so if i find myself in a bad or a challenging situation, it most probably didnt just come out of the blues. I must have been a part of the flow of actions that occurred which eventually led to such situation.

"Its very easy to be different, but very difficult to be better." - Jonathan Ive

Its so strange, how one could talk about things in the early hours of the day and end up seeing those exact things later in the night. I was talking to a friend today, about how its always a good thing to speak your mind. I wont go deep on that it was sort of a personal discussion. How can a person like another and not do anything about it? Normmal, like everyone does. You just sit back and watch the person slip away slowly into another persons arms. Just kidding. So basically i was discussing how a person should always speak their mind about what they want, because whats the worst that could happen. According to my friend, regret is the worst that could happen.I wont add my thoughts to this but anyway evening comes, and I go out with a good friend of mine that decides to suddenly open up to me about how he feels for a girl hes been seeing. That he likes the girl. Let me just say that I felt awkward. I dont know, maybe I dont like it when guys tell me about other girls most of the time, especially girls they like because then im like what am I supposed to say? :')

So I told him, what I was told in the morning. Perhaps advice that I wouldnt take in the content thats been discussed in , but nonetheless if its advice that may not have been beneficial for me in my situation, or atleast not now, doesnt mean it wouldnt be beneficial to a friend. Besides it is great advice. "Maybe you should say something", I said. Meaning be clear about what you want. Right?

What happened is, I have my ex on whatsapp and hes saying hi to me. So i asked today if we could be friends and it was weird because he is married and i guess because i overthink a tiny bit I was thinking about if his wife might mind and if this would be appropriate. I then thought why should it be weird, Im just an ex and at the end of the day he is married to her. Im not a bad person, hes just a cool guy that i like and respect and would like to be friends with, i think, because simply why not?

It was a weird experience that lasted a few minutes but then it was fine.

"A person doesnt have to be perfect to be exactly what you need." - Unknown

Interesting perspective (y).


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