So many things going through my mind. Dont know where to start... Thats a challenge (I would have used the word "problem" but id rather say a "challenge). This is my only true source of really speaking my mind and sort of letting it all out, perhaps even venting a little sometimes and recording sort of whats going on with my life as a way of maybe one day in many many years reading what ive done before as well as just a platform to express myself, and/but when a lot of things are happening "in my mind" its kind of a challenge to organise the thoughts (but then again my thoughts were never meant to be organised, and never really were when writing here but it just makes it easier to write at times like this).
"Let them know im a supernova who can burn them every step they take because when it comes to you, I can charge up to a million joules and theyre but lackluster debris in our own galaxy when im the most radiant star and youre the constellation." - The Lunatic, The Lover, And The Poet.
Im having a rough time truth be told. I know my priorities at this very moment but its as if i zone out and loose track sometimes. Im having a rough time trying to understand myself. And im getting busier than usual, with work which just makes everything "harder" haha. Look im grateful, but its hard. Im lucky, but its hard. I know it would get better soon..My soul is yearning, for things. Stuff. Something. And im just trying to find my place? I need to settle, and that should be happening soon, but I also need to focus.
Everyone around me, has their shit together, or so it seems. That way, 'wasting time' is just an optional thing, because they can afford it (and now i sound like a rapper or a wanna be rapper from the ghetto wtf was that haha). Simply it seems ill be going back to my hibernating phase, for sometime, ill try. I mean, there is no option here and that kind of sucks. No actually there is, And i choose to 'hibernate'/keep to myself for some time :). maybe a month or so. 2 months. IDK.
"Just because I dont talk about it, doesnt mean I forget." - Unknown
Ive realised that whatever i was trying to achieve, I was achieving it the wrong way. Not really wrong way, but just not the correct way it should be done. To achieve what i was trying to achieve, purely, I should completely embrace myself, and express myself, smartly, and with no fear. Be myself and look forward to meeting people that are on the same path. To be myself. And to let go, or really try to let go, of 1) Negativity. 2) Desires. (Im not trying to be a nun, but go with the flow. When i say desires, i dont mean let go of ur desire to stabilise, or ur desire to achieve something, or the desire to make a change, or a difference - I mean other desires. Nonsense desires). Then those 'nonsense' desires would eventually be obtainable, in an even better manner than the manner you would have tried to obtain them with at first. So I need to elt go of those desires and i strongly believe they will come in a much better form when their time comes. Those 'nonsense desires could be objects that you would like go acquire, or experiences that one may want to have etc but are not really necessary at the moment.
I dont know what Im saying anymore :)
I embarrassed myself today, and i feel sad. Sad about myself. Its one of the worst feelings a person can experience. I came back home, and a 1001 thoughts were going through my mind trying to analyse the situation and make sense of what i was feeling or the way i was feeling. I was feeling bad. Bad about myself, and so, ofcourse, as humans do, I started blaming, then i started self-victimizing myself. Then I realised, It was my fault. No one meant to make me feel bad, I did it to myself. I was the one that embarrassed myself, and there is no one to blame nor is it any ones fault but myself :)
I needed to be alone.
I know im not giving out positive vibes right now, but forgive me..I am not a positivity machine, and i feel down sometimes. (Althoguh ii wish that would have been awesomeness) Imagine. Basically nothing would affect me, no negative vibes or whatever. Id just be doing my thing. Being an awesome person, Being a good person to other humans, and thats all, no negativity would affect me and basically i just wont be affected by anything because my positive vibes would be never ending almost contagious haha. I just repeated the same sentence like 3 times i think? hah
"Self-love, self-respect, self-worth. There's a reason they all start with 'self'. You cant find them in anyone else. - Unknown
I refuse to allow any one to make me feel bad about myself. aia refuse it because i dont have time for that. If im on the wrong, no problem, but in general, I dont want or need people or someone to make me feel bad about myself or even hint it. Ive had more than enough of that already :) I dont deserve it.
The human mind..I wish i could understand. Maybe i should meet a neurologist? And they can explain things to me. Or a psychiatrist? That would be nice. Im just, uh, I need to stop trying to figure out everything. I need to slow down a little and focus on whats really important right now. Thats all.
"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know." - Ernest Hemingway
I know im missing something. Not missing like missing out. But missing something. Thats all im going to say. And its fine, people miss things all the time, but they keep going they dont make it the centre of attention or centre of focus in their lives. Instead they take on new things to take away their minds or divert their attention nto something else. Be productive.
I might be unconsciously hurt. But hey! Im fine :) Im more than fine. Whatever we go through its just to prepare us for greater moments and times ahead for us to be able to appreciate and that is beautiful.
"Watch carefully, the magic that occurs, when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves." - Atticus
sometimes things feel like, im in a dream, for a few seconds, not a bad thing. Its ok. But tis like i lose touch with reality for a few seconds. And all that just happens in my head thank god haha. I like to connect with people but so,eti,es you meet people thatyou like and they kind of block you. So you probably would connect with them for a short while then they get scared and back off (o something like that, havent really completly figured out how it works but yea) then make u feel weird. This happened twice in my life and it probably means that either the person has some issues which is ok or that they are not ready. Im not an expert, but this is my theory haha.
Whatever you're going through, believe and know and trust that it shall pass. It will get better :)
I wrote this post yesterday and i was feeling blue, but im becoming more yellow today haha. Its fine! It will be fine (ok enough with the phrase, point received).
"I respect those who tell me the truth, no matter how hard it is." - Unknown
I spoke to my dad today, I sent a message on his phone, thinking my brother would get it, because he usually texts me through there and I thought maybe the phone is with him but my dad receives it. He thought it was for him, didnt mention names, and frankly it was alright, nothing personal in the message. But at the end I was like should I just quit and come back home. So I received a voice note, I open it and its from my dad! haha. It made my day. Look im normally a self-motivated person but that was definaately motivating. Im grateful and thankful regardless and despite everything and everything. But as humans, Its normal for us to feel down sometimes and I was. I guess i just needed to hear that. It fueled my spirit a little although i like to think my spirit and soul is constantly being fueled (with good vibes :) and everything awesome). But yea! He told me like 5 times, never to say I want to quit again. And thats True, Im not a quitter. The climb is always stressfull. Challenge accepted :)
Im happy. May all the light, positive vibes and energy surround us and be around us. Can you feel it? :) I do.
Xx
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