Monday, 17 August 2015


This week was my first time to be part of an interview, ofcourse ive been interviewed before, this is not what i meant though. I mean this was my first time to be on the other side of the table. No big difference, but you sort of decide to calm the fuck down when you're not necessarily trying to impress someone rather you should be the one being impressed? something like that...

"I have been a haunted house. I have had things die but stay and I didnt know how to make them leave. And there were certainly times I didnt want them to leave because they were beautiful. They were no longer real but they were beautiful. They were bridges to brighter days." -Jamie Tworkowski

Then today, we were supposed to hold another interview, and during the last ones, I was usually just observing, and on my laptop half of the time. 30 mins before the interviewee arrives, I was informed ill be interviewing, and i panicked a little but i guess it was not bad, Ivana was talking aswell so it wasnt like it was just me asking so it kind of flowed well. It was interesting. Good experience haha.

I needed help, someone to give me a ride earlier this week to go do an errand in my previous place where i used to stay, its quite far and i asked a friend to take me. So he agreed, we were supposed to go, it got late and so I just went home. I was a bit upset. I mean we always make excuses for people, because sometimes you feel like no one really owes you anything and theyre just doing a favour, butt this makes me wonder why people no longer do things just to genuinely help or out of kindness? why?

"Silence says a lot more than you think." -Unknown

I know the place was far, and my friend had a point in saying that if he were to take me there then he'd rather run an errand for himself as well and i had to help out. I was stressed, what he was asking for in my opinion was not as important as what i had to do there nor more important than what i was going through emotionally and it upset me that he was only taking me so as to "hit 2 birds with a stone" do me a favour, and get his stuff done. If you think about it real quick it seems very reasonable, but regardless, people shouldnt be like that. If he werent able to run his errand that day there, he wouldnt have taken me and this is what happened. Monday, we couldnt arrange for what he wanted to get done there, and as i mentioned i was to help, but imagine i work for long hours, and when im not working, im worrying about my visa whch is still not done (within this week it will be though :D) and just a short list of other emotionally killling things. I just needed someone to help me a little you know? So monday i go home meanwhile  could have just taken a bus there earlier instead of meeting my friend and feeling lost and wasting time.

I wasnt gona ask again. Tuesday he contacted me and said we'd go. The pressure i was put on was unbelievable. ridiculous. After much contemplation from his side, live in my face (he suddenly felt sick) we went. got it done. But i would have probably been really upset if we didnt because it was getting late and it would have been another waste of time.

"Some journeys in life can only be traveled alone." -Ken Poirot

I dont know, I probabaly sound like a heartless person right now, but, im just wondering why people dont frequently help others without there being any gain? Help as much as you can, and when u r in need, it will come back. Karma exists. There should always be somethign to gain out of everything you do. Im nto saying be stupid. No! But have some heart. Empathy. Soul.

Nonetheless, my friend helped me out eventually, regardless i appreciated it. But this situation just brought to my attention. That no one really cares. If you have something, you should never rely on others. Rely on yourself because as a person that si trying to be responsible, you would have things to deal with and basically everyone else has things to deal with. Do your own things thats all. And dont rely on people. There is only so much other people can do for you. Im not saying that there is no luck, or that there is no kindness or whatever in this world no thats not what im saying. Im just saying that its better to be surprised by such acts of goodness rather than always being the person relying on others for everything! Anyway, After that journey i did feel reliefied so thank god its over and done with. Still have to go get a few things again but there really isnt any rush. Perhaps even next month or whenever id find myself free they could be done :) its fine.

"We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be." -May Sarton

Penang. was there for the 4th time lat weekend. I love it. didnt do much. met a friend thats leaving soon. Some hardcore environmentalist. very impressive, so we just spent some time together and went for a movie with soem their friends and dinner. The fooooood is out of this world. Somethign about their high sense of spices in Penang. Its amazing!! Amazing.

I dont even need to do much there, just the vibes are enough. penang vibes. I really like that place. Ariived Sat. Afternoon, and left Sunday Night. very short but wasnt bad. Refreshing. I liked it. And i love Penang ahaha. This time around i was in a place called Sungai Nebong, a bit up north. My friend stays in a high rise appt. and from there i could sea the water and beautifful hills. It was nice. The weather is a bit better also. Of course, near the sea, better wind compared to KL.

Id try to do 2 more S.E Asia countries, for leisure. short short trips but fun-filled and adventurous kind of short trips :) before this year ends atleast then more next!! So elts save up and get our priorities right yea.

"Im in love with cities ive never been to and people ive never met." -Unknown

Time is running, and i hope the most out of it is done. Its hard but im trying. The year is almost ending. My list of things to do is still not complete haha. I need to meet a little bit more people and go on more adventures and still need to try and do many things! No worries :) But so far Im happy with myself, ive been trying so hard and I hope its making me a better person overall, hopefully wiser, happier, understanding.

Yesterday someone hurt my feelings. I was disappointed. We should always think before we speak, and someone once told me that its better to be quiet if you have nothing good to say. I now see the sense in that.

I was told that I dont care about anything anyway, and that i just keep it going. I immediately said "Thanks for letting me know what you think of me, I appreciate it." I didnt stand up for myself but this situation was different. did i have to? if after a decent time of knowing someone and u are genuine or try to n=be so with them and this is what they gather what do you say? This is a "friend". or atleast thats what i thought but he never fails to make me feel bad. I wont start to make excuses for him to make sense out of it. There is none. So i shouldve stood up for myself?

"There's a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable." - Mark Twain

Why do i have to. I know its not true, and if I genuinely like you, if i really like you and you say such a thing to me what do I tell you? Theres nothing to say...This person doesnt know shit about me, I realised. Its alright. Sometimes im in my own bubble and was that what reality looked like? I dont need people in my life that will make me feel bad about myself constantly. Constantly? Then theres something not right and its not worth it. Im not looking nor do i need this in my life right now. So if you say ill keep it moving, then hell yes I owe it to myself to do so. Let me just say, If that was even true why am I not back home? Why am i still here, trying to make something out of my life, enduring, pushing, putting things together. I dont ever want to hear bullshit like tht again, because then i will get mad at msyelf not even the person who said so. At myself, for wasting time. Hanging out with people that have no idea. Look its fine we cn joke and everything is cool, but for a erson to tell me that oh you dont care about anything? Excuse me what?? This is too personal. Dont fuck with me like that. You dont know or have the slightest idea what ive been through (im grateful.) I have agood life but ive been through things, life is full of challenges but hey bring it on.

You have no idea of my plans or what im trying to do (I thoguht you did?) and then this? I dont care about anything? What does a person even say? haha How do you reply? hahahaha

You start thinking what does this person think of me, and then after that statement, i see no good. I dont know. I dont like to be insulted like that or at all. Why you gotta hurt Papaya's feelings like that?! Shame haha

:) No i wont take it. My vibe was killed for a minute there.

I need reciprocity.

What is reality? Whats wrong with wanting to do things and having plans that do not necessarily seem conventional? then all of a sudden your a person thats not ok in the head? Your a person that is not realistic? YOU DEFINE YOUR OWN REALITY!!

"This longing, too large for heaven and earth, fits easily into my heart." - Rumi

Last Wednesday, was amazing. I had a really good time, on my own i think hahaha. I mean I was out with people, and i know everyone was having a good time, but I was having an awesome time. Everything just clicked inside me lol. Level of intoxication was perfect. Music was on point. Almost very good mix.

Where the adventures at! I still need to go see a waterfall. Next! :)


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